the first day of the rest of my life....

I'm a fat chick....

There, I said it.  It's not something that happened all of the sudden; I am not one of those people that got sick or pregnant or had some major life event.....I just always was.  Here...see....

 So, Halloween candy and all, I just was.  I have never been one of those fat people that hated being what I was.  I mean, my Mom yo-yo'd her whole life, always talked about how much she was unhappy with herself, but I never got it.  Even throughout college, while it may have bothered me from time to time, I never really thought about it all that much.  

Recently, it's changed.  I'm unhappy -- with how I look, with how I feel and mostly with how people look at me.   I am still not the kind of person that looks in the mirror and thinks 'fat-ass'....which I guess is something to be thankful for -- but I do lay in my bed at night thinking 'who would ever want me when I look like a whale...' so, I guess it's 6 of one, half dozen of another.

So, something's got to give -- and since crying myself to sleep, and praying with all my might doesn't seem to be working -- I guess I'm going to give it a whirl with my own willpower [and if you know me, you know that I don't have a lot of that]

I want to....

• wear super cute clothes.  I have a whole collection on my Pinterest board...and I will wear them. 
• have a chance to meet a guy; and I know the whole 'if he loves you it doesn't matter' bit, but I want someone to have a chance to get to know me without all the taboo of "ooh, bro, you can't get with that" in the back of his head.  
• have more confidence in myself.  
• feel better.  This includes being less sleepy, breathing better and being generally healthy. 
• have my outside match how I feel inside. 

I'm sick of....

• people disregarding me because I don't look the part.  Including people thinking that I am a lazy, gluttonous person...because that isn't a fact.
• never having clothes look how I want them to.
• not being able to wear fabulous shoes.
• of cropping out portions of my body in pictures.  I'm sick of untagging myself on Facebook.  
• of feeling unhealthy.
• being jealous of how skinny and gorgeous my sister is.
• people telling me that I'm beautiful and funny and smart, because that feels like they are making excuses to make me feel better about what I lack.  
• I am sick of lacking something.

I have been told that when you make a decision to do it, you should just do it and not tell anyone...but, I can't keep a secret to save my life, and quite frankly...I need help.  I need you all to help me be accountable.  I do not need anyone to be in my face about it....but I need someone that says, "ASHLEY, walk with me, NOW" or "Hey, you CAN do this." Because, I want to.  I am not so sure I can, but I sure as hell want to try. 

So, here it goes....