some battles won, and some battles lost

Life is about the little battles -- the silent wars that are waging all day, every day.  We all have our trials, tribulations -- but life is about how you handle your situations, not the situations itself.  For me, I try not to get so hung up on the fact that life can be unfair.  I know lots of people that eat whatever the hell they want to, and can actually lose weight.  Now what kind of unfair crap is that?

I have to manage and count and portion and make decisions all the time, and the problem is that I l-o-v-e food.  Anything from Singapore Mei-Fun to Chille Rellenos [pobalno style only] to really great dark chocolate truffles have the power to make or break your day.  [And I'm sorry, if you don't know what that feels like,you obviously need to get your taste buds checked out.] Food is comfort -- chicken soup for that cold, chocolate ice cream for the heart ache and chicken wings for the game.  But that is the problem in itself -- food is so associated with the memory.  Dad walking through the house on Sundays getting ready to fire up the grill for the wings -- your sister in college coming to the rescue with 2 pints of Chunky Monkey -- Mom taking care of you when you are little and pitful with the homemade medicine....

My Mom calls what we do grazing.  More than just the comfort, food is a filler for what is lacking.  When something is just missing I go to the kitchen -- the kitchen is the center of my family, so when I'm in my apartment, all by my lonesome, I go to the kitchen.  But, aside from the occasional kitty on the counter, it's empty of the people and memories and smells that I can remember so vividly from being home.  So, it just becomes the place that I go, grab a snack and the path to the couch. 

I'm slowly (painfully slowly) coming to the realization that food is about the substance.  Food is nutrition, it gives you vitamins and fiber and all the good stuff that makes your body function.  Food should not be about how you feel, it should be about what you need. The comfort of the kitchen comes from the family inside, the conversations at the table, the togetherness of the meals...not the meal itself. 

I can tell you with 100% sureness that food is going to be a battle with me for much of the duration of this war.  But, Weight Watchers helps.  It's about a life style change, not a diet.  The program itself makes senses, and doesn't make your feel bad about the fact that you love your food, it's about making smart decisions and loving your food but being in control of yourself...and that is empowering.

I sure as hell plan on winning this battle sometime in the future, of that I can promise.